i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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