I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
