Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize