Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
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