someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
