dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
