Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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