The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
