grandma shit on top of the toilet
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
