At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize