So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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