those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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