The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
