So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
