Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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