Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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