When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
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