funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
