I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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