she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
