Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
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