you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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