Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
