Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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