would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Too much gin, very little bucket
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
