i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
