I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
