Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
