mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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