He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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