Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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