I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
