i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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