oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
