im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
