I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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