i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
