Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
