Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
