Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
