I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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