last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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