so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize