so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
