It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
