Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
