theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
