I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
