Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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