having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
