Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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