I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
