i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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