There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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