Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
