Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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