If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize