So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
