we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
