The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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