insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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