I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
