I think I died a long time ago.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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