yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
