the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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